It feels just right

Assalamualaikum wrt Dear A, Thank you for being my reader. When I started blogging about my wedding preparation – apart from writing about something that’s close to my heart, I was also hoping that my blog could benefit my readers in any way – and I’m glad to note that you claimed my jottings as ‘insightful’. You asked me how did I end up deciding that this is the Guy. I’m sorry to disappoint you – but, no, we did not just click on the first conversation. No, there wasn’t any electricity sparks in the air when we first met. No, there was no somersault in the tummy when we first went out together. Contrary to your belief – I was not all that confident about marrying this guy in the first place. Even on the morning of our engagement day, I had some fear that his rombongan might not even turn up for the occasion. In fact, less than a month ago, I was so mad at him about something that I almost asked him to call off the wedding. (As someone had wisely pointed out before – yes, tempers do fly during these times…) Yes, I guess you can say that I’ve agreed to marry a stranger. How much could one learn about another in a month’s time, anyway? Yet, we were engaged exactly a month after we first met. And mind you – we did not even talk to each other the first time he came to my house. I put my trust in Allah’s guidance through istikharah, solat hajat and lots of doa’. I put my trust in my gut feeling that this is the Guy – regardless of all the missing ‘signs’ in the first instance. Well, you know, those ‘signs’ such as the sparks, somersaults in the tummy and all. I put my trust in both family’s blessings. Like my auntie reminded me time and time again – I’m not only going to be someone’s wife, I am also going to take up the role and responsibilities as someone else’s new daughter, sister, aunt, grand daughter – in his family. Having his family’s blessings right from the very beginning is insya Allah, a good sign. Most importantly - it feels just right. Like many other girls my age, I’ve had my shares of crushes and admirers and even some marriage proposals. Like many others too, I’ve known what it felt to be rejected and did some rejection too. Somehow, my previous relationships had never worked well. The longest lasting relationship that I had was too turbulent, and despite having deep and mutual feelings for each other, he ended up marrying another. Tak ada jodoh… As for the rest – they never felt just quite right. I guess sometimes we gotta go through the bad to get to the good… There was an insistent friend who kept asking me out for a few years and persistent enough to actually introduce himself to my parents – but I could not rid the feelings that we’re meant to be just buddies and not more. There was a colleague with whom I had great chemistry with – but I worried about his lack of commitment as a practising Muslim. Then, there was a guy who seemed like the most eligible bachelor - stable job with good pay, no living parents, no dependents, good looking, athletic build, et cetera – but trust was a major issue between us. Certainly I don’t want to spend the rest of my life - or a large portion of it - with someone I cannot trust, right? With my fiancé though, it feels just right. At first I was rather blasé, since I’d learned that once, he was almost engaged to another but called it off at the last minute - so I put up some emotional shield of some sort, made up my mind not to fall easily for him.... However, over the time, he crumbled my defences bits by bits with his words, his actions, his gifts. He made it a point to know about my favourite things to gain cookie points here and there. While other guys might have wooed me with more expensive gifts; knowing my soft spots for postcards, he entrusted into my care his own collection of postcards from Middle East. While others had insisted on taking me out to posh restaurants; knowing my curiosity to taste something new and different, he took me out for lunch at a restaurant which served among others - landak, rusa and kijang. It feels just right because to me, he knows how to show that he respects and cherishes me. It also feels right because it's easy for us to accept each other as who we are. While being graduates from different parts of the world means that there are obvious differences in thoughts and opinions, we discovered that we actually have a lot in common - we both believe in certain principles, we both want certain similar things in life and we share a few similar likes and dislikes. As for differences, we are now learning to tolerate those, as well as try to learn from and with each other. No, there was no spark initially - but as I learn more about him, I learn to like, respect and grow fonder of him with each passing day. No, there were no butterflies in my tummy when we first met - but now somehow, my heart automatically makes a double flip-flop of joy when he sometimes appears for a surprise visit. You said that you could not bring yourself to say 'yes' to a friend who’s expressed his wish to marry you. You have made up so many excuses and you felt that it might be a sign that you are not willing to accept him. You also talked about some ‘preset qualifications’ that you have after indulging in so many romance novels, films and all – about how he should be someone who can read, understand and practice the Quran and Hadiths, taller than you, of medium build, doesn’t smoke, and most importantly, he must be able to treat your family and friends well. Well, different people go through different kind of experiences, and yours might make an even more interesting read than mine... Still, I would support you to trust your gut feeling (istikharah-aided, of course). If it tells you that this is not the guy – then, insya Allah maybe the time will come later for you to feel that it is "just right" when the right person comes along.. As for the preset qualifications – well, just learn to distinguish the ‘must-have’ and the ‘nice-to-have’. Nobody will be able to fulfil all the ‘qualifications’ – thus, it’s important to note that the ‘must-have’ are fulfilled first before the ‘nice-to have’. After all, qualities such as practising Muslims, integrity, honesty, loyalty, patience and trustworthy are often considered more important than say, a guy who owns a condominium in prime area, receives monthly fat pay cheques with good look… And when you finally meet your Guy – try to highlight his strength rather than concentrating on his weaknesses - because at the end of the day, since we may not get what we like, it's important that we learn to like what we get... But more importantly – it has to feel just right. You’ll know how it feels when it happens. Seriously. Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri. Taqabballahu minna wa minkum.